News reaches me today of a new and terrifying drug whose use has started to spread rapidly. It has been synthesised by a secret government laboratory – don’t ask me how I know! – to interfere with the minds of workers in the NHS and Social Services. The drug is so powerful that workers have to be prepared for exposure to it by attending special meetings, often in secluded places away from prying eyes. At these meetings, they are forced to engage in mind-numbing exercises, reciting lists of policies and government acronyms and legislation. The idea is to help build up a level of tolerance to the soporific effects of the drug prior to its administration by highly trained dealers. At a recent meeting, workers were seen battling to stay awake. There is also a paradoxical effect, as felt by some workers who had bouts of uncontrollable laughter.
Unfortunately, when you are actually exposed to the drug, the effects are very unpleasant. You can experience fear of what will happen if you cannot answer questions, often accompanied by feelings of paranoia that they are trying to catch you out. The situation is made worse by the circulation of fake drugs – you only find out later you were exposed to a dummy drug to test and prepare you for the real thing. And the name of this drug? CQC – carboxy-quasi-choline. You have been warned.