The Truth About Salad Garnish

It is time to speak up about the travesty that is salad garnish. It is a staple of pub menus, seemingly adding an air of sophistication and faux healthiness to what is basically a large plate of ham, egg and chips.

And now to the reality. It consists of lettuce curled at the edges and turning brown after being marinated in Temazepam. To this is added an assortment of random green leaves that even the caterpillars had the sense to avoid. Sometimes there are sliced spring onions which managed to sleep through the vernal equinox. If you are unlucky there are pieces of cucumber skin. Chopped tomatoes and peppers provide a bit of colour, as though the whole thing was put together by Jackson Pollock. To top it all, in a manner of speaking, there is no topping – you usually have to ask for dressing.

I’m feeling better now!

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